2018 is at an end and 2019 is just around the corner. I cannot say that I am sorry to see 2018 go. It was a rough year, to say the least. Rough on so very many levels.
I lost one of my dearest friends. She left me suddenly in May. I knew that my time with her was limited, but I did think there was more time than we had. I lost her without the ability to say goodbye. Either at the time or after. The pain amplified by her family showing disrespect for who she truly was, even in death. So, I hold the memory of what and who she was in my heart. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out. She was my friend. She was a sister to me. We went to animated movies together. We inspired each other. We were there for each other. She was wickedly funny and brilliant and amazing. And alas, she left the world before she could finish her wonderfully wicked book. The world is dimmer without her presence. She will be missed by me. I realize that she will be missed by many, But she is so very deeply missed by me.
In addition, I lost my former boss of 9 years shortly before Christmas. Though things were strained at the end of my employment, as they often are when a company is ending its time. He was my friend as well as my boss. There were so many times he would pull up a chair with me and we would talk about just about everything from politics, to religion to current events. He was an engaging conversationalist and listened to opinions that were diverse from his. He was like family to me. He was like family to many of his employees. I shall miss him greatly. Though I think the thing I shall mist the most was his laughter. He was one of those who had a full body laugh that he meant with his whole being.
I lost another friend. Not through death. But because she decided I was too much trouble for her to be friends with after decades. I failed to consult the Amy Vanderbilt Book of Etiquette on choosing the socially appropriate wording in my comments. Seems she forgot that the only use I have ever found for Amy or any other book of social graces was for starting bonfires. I’m as blunt as a baseball bat or a Jewish mother. And that is a comparison of the highest regard in my opinion. We are not the gentle caregivers. We tell you what you need and if you are able to give it to yourself and choose not to, we will straddle your ass and pour it down your throat. Ah well, its the third time she has thrown our friendship in the trash. I think I shall let the third time be the charm. I got the hint. Time to move on and find a new tribe.
Life has thrown me many curve balls the last couple of years. And I have let it get to me and hold me down in more ways that I should. I need to work on that. I need to also remember that even with all the pain that has happened, there has been much good. My daughter now has a degree. She is going after another one. She has grown into an amazing young woman. My son has grown into an amazing man. I’ve paid off most of my debt. I’ll probably need a new car sometime in the future. But, I’ll worry about that when the time comes.
I have a community of art friends that is building. Beautiful, wonderful friends that love me in all our differences. That support me in my dreams and fantasies as I support them in theirs. I’ll keep looking for more. Its never too late to build on an existing or new community. I’ll talk to strangers and maybe some of them will even smile at me and talk back. I’ll look for people that wand to play and live and enjoy. To find people that want to find the treasures that are hiding in the forgotten places and pull them back into the light. To remake the world, one piece at a time. Or at least to decorate it in all the colors we can summon from our palettes. And add shiny sparklies as the mood inspires us.
So, my goals for 2019 are to try an live more fully. To find more people to connect with. To engage in more lively conversations. To make more art.
The world is a mess right now. I suppose it always has been, in different ways in different times. I will always care about what goes on in the world. But, I also think that the best thing “I” can do to truly and really fight what goes on out there is to live my life to the fullest in spite of it. To create beauty amidst the ugliness. To find conversations with strangers whose opinions may or may not agree with mine. To not make hard promises that I know that I won’t keep. I know that I really suck at that self discipline thing.
I make no promises. I make no resolutions. Some days I will fall short and fail. Some days I will rise and succeed. And I shall hope that I will find the paths to make the days of art and joy and magic overtake the days of shadow. I accept I am a work in progress. Though I have a feeling the end result is going to be a rather strange abstract.